I feel tired of all of this. Seriously.
I always end up by emoranting but I need it. I’m sorry.
Well, I’m feeling terribly umcomfortable toward myself, and… when I discover how much horrible I am, I feel like puking.
I mean… all that time lost only by my silliness. And now, even when I wrote all those reminders to myself, all those rants to wake me up, I feel like I’m continuing to flee the reality…

That is such an easy way. When you don’t like something, you avoid it.
Skipping school became an habit. A bad, very bad habit.
But I can’t face my classmates anymore. Nor my teachers.

It’s so silly.

I realized that I haven’t faced myself for years now.
Even in a mirror.
And what I can see now… in this mirror, is very, very ugly.

When you forget who you are, when you forget yourself and also the others, then… it shows in your appearance, I guess. I kinda became uglier and uglier, in the inside, and also in the outside. Now I understand those sayings my mum told me once.
They’re all true.

In other news, my brothers’ room burned. Hopefully they weren’t injured, but they lost everything they had.
A light felt on the bed of a flatmate, while he was away -yes he never turns off the light in his room-, and he saw a white smoke getting out of his room. But he didn’t call the firefighters. Instead, he…
HE OPENED THE WINDOW. AND GOT OUT OF HIS ROOM.
THEN HE SAID “it’s finished”.
oh my god. He was only bringing up so much more oxygen…. that the fire took five minutes to come into my brothers’ room.

How can a man be that crazy
… or dumb, I don’t know.


… Well, with all those problems, plus another brother who have been blackmailed money by a guy appearing from nowhere on the internet, saying he wants to have piano lessons for his two poor children, showing him a photo (LOL never trust photos) sending then 3600 € to my brother (LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. How could my bro accept that) and asking him to return 3100 €, my brother made my mother very worried.
The guy was a thief. And he stole those 3600€ from other banks. So… he tried to wash this money through my brother, who discovered everything then.
Now, yes. He’s in difficulty. Every bank may banish him, forever. Auuugh.


I hope I haven’t killed my mum, addind more things to worry on.
Oh god.
She became sick, and she’s very tired, as if she was trying to absorb all her children’s faults.
She can’t sleep anymore, because of the among of problems she has to face up.

Yes, my mum is the only one here in the house who faces the reality. And… she faces the problems of everyone in the family.
I love her so much… even when she takes things away from me, I know it is for my own sake.
But … I never showed her how much I loved her. Never.
I’ve been wondering… What my parents gave me, and what did I give them in return ?
They gave me everything. Everything. But I didn’t see it, acting as if that was normal for a parent to give everything to their children.
But it’s not that simple.

I gave them nothing they wanted in return. Well, at a time, maybe yes. I was the first everywhere, but… times changed and I became uglier and so much more lonely.
I guess it is adolescence. It made me change a lot, in the worst way. I haven’t became a butterfly, but an egg. An egg, hiding itself from everyone, lying more and more to protect itself, to begin first by lying to itself.
Should I say that I’m an empty shell ?
I only brought them sadness, worries, and melancholy.

When I came at hospital, at summer 2008, they worried so much for me ! My mum cried, when she learned I had that disease.

That disease I’m hiding behind, as if it would excuse my behaviours.
No, it doesn’t excuse anything. A disease… lots of people have it.

I just can’t complain, I’m lucky… in a way. This third-years-old child… that Laevan showed us, that third-years-old child who won’t live to see Xmas, and also that thirty-two years old disabled person (100%), whose name is the same as mine and who I saw on the TV, whose parents want to expose to the eyes to everyone, claiming that she wants it (she can’t speak neither think), that broke my heart. And made me realize how inegal the world is. How inegal the life is.
And how whiny, self-centered I have been. (or should I say instead… “am still” ? ,__, )

Of course, humans don’t realize the luck they have, when they only look at what they get.
But looking at others, then they realize how ugly they are. How selfish, how self-centered they can be.

This is the first step to a rebirth. A redemption, maybe…
I will live by my own and never rely on anyone else.
I’ve destroyed myself so much… now I have to rebuild everything.

Start with a stain of an unglorious past. Dwellings, ruins.
Now I’ve said everything, I have to act. To improve myself, as human being. To appraoch the truth, and to be worth considering.

To deserve that kind, nice, well-balanced people as you are, will ever forgive me to be…
more than a wimp,
a larva.